In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
