I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We need to rekindle our bromance
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
whose parrot is this?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
