I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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