did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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