I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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