Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
