4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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