I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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