So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Ketchup is God's man juice
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
