So drunk its hurt
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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