He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
