my phone needs a breathalizer
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
