I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
