I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wish my penis had a tongue
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
