sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
