I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
