Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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