you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
