I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
