just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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