then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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