I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
