the condom got lost in my hair
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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