i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
