My first STD was from a foam party
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
