The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize