Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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