My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
