I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
