If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
