yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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