I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
