I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
