I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
