the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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