So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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