I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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