At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's shark week go big or go home
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
