Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
