i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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