blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
