i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
