The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
