Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
