FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
