forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
