Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
