From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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