when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
