i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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