I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
