What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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