Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
