You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
