I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
