you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
