There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
