If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can you bring me the toilet please
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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