she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
