Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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