Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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