youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
