So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
