i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize