If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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