my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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