When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
