u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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