so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
