Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
