and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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